If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
