pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My ass is underappreciated
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
