You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
