i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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