Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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