Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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