Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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