Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
