Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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