the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
