Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
