My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
