Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Houston, we have a squirter
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize