I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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