I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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