and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
