it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
