I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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