he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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