do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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