Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
