just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
