I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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