i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
