i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
