the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
