you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
