the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
