I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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