He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
