You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
