That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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