She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
