that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
