I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
