Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
