i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
