I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
