90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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