Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You pole danced in your parka.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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