bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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