If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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