I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I love having hate sex.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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