I got chris browned last night
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
