My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
