I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
