Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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