I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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