did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
