I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
