i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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