The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize