Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
