You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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