i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
