I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
