apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
