youre lurking in front of me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
