You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
