I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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