The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
